Father of mine

I feel a bad energy.... im not comfortable and neither is everyone else... the atmosphere is haunting yet i do it for the sake of him.... I find myself alone with this person who i know, but i dont know..... Im convinced.... im a victim of love and trust.... why did i not know better? because i could not have seen it coming..... and then it happens...

He leaves.... as i felt it taking over.... my sense of sound started to blur, my head began pounding.... I was begging for it to stop.... i start shivering, my lips get cold, and i lose the feeling in my fingertips.... I look in the mirror but i dont see myself.... The view in front of me seems to be spiraling and im beginning to lose control of what i say.... I lose all sense of focus... im unable to focus on something for more than 2 minutes.... i stutter.... my lips get extremely dry and my tongue feels numb...

The paranoia creeps in... i sense fear, anger and hatred around me... i see it in the eyes of those i love but i cant do anything about it... I want to reach out but i cant..... They shed tears but i cant wipe them away.... I know wht i want to do but i cant..... They are more important than i am.... others first...myself second

Love is what caused this pain, but love is also wht i held on to....
the irony of it all...

Then the mind becomes a broken record....never stops thinking. Whos to blame? Where is my car? Whos to blame? Wheres my stuff? Whos to blame? Hows my baby? Whos to blame? Hows sandra and matt? I want to die... Whos to blame? How could he? Whos to blame? But i said yes? Whos to blame?

And then its a sense of safety... regret... guilt... fear... betrayal

I regain my senses... and wonder....

Is he who i think he is?

He is my father.... and after everything...i still do love him....

..... I've never felt so much fear in my life....

Furthermore.... its overshadowed the joy i had during christmas with my family....which, i have to say was fantastic and true to tradition.... never been a christmas where i dont reflect on what a great family i have... eventhough this is the first time ive spent christmas with my mum a couple of thousands of miles away from the christmas tree i see every year....

Dougie signing out