counting stars wishing i was ok...

I was so close to ending my 3 year 7 month relationship.... due to so many factors.... all of which was triggered of by an argument over some car forum issues.... fucked up isnt it? and fucked up is exactly how i feel now....

Im seriously at a lost as to which direction im heading now....

I literally told my baby...that it was over...because i felt it should've been over.... i felt it was the final conflict... the last time i'd get hurt or i'd hurt her.... recently, ive been a real success as a boyfriend... a success in terms of succeeding to fail... I've never failed to do something wrong, failed live up to an expectation, failed to read a situation... so therefore i do in fact feel i have succeeded in failing...

Is she hard to please? by all means the answer is yes.... but thats what a relationship is all about, working things out..... I'm not saying im an angel, but im no devil either....

I sometimes wonder how much more can i handle.... i pride myself with having patience, tolerance, and understanding... but i now see that i have none of them.... none to the extent of beign a pride

Oh how diverse the effects of love can be on a man....

We were on the phone for a good hour... me explaining and she listening... i lost it and got myself to let it all go.... waste the 3 years of love.... but then i realized, how much i would be missing.... the part of my life that i was about to let go... and i couldnt..... not after she had softened up to me.... talked to me in that voice that struck my momentarily stone heart... i grew weak.... vulnerable...susceptible...

Her choice of words soothed that pain i was feeling deep down....she began to worry me a little... after which, i almost decided to kill myself...but of course i didnt...

it wasnt worth it... damn right it wasnt worth it.... she didnt want it to end...and i just couldnt bring myself to have it end either....

I dont think im going to relive that hour.... or re-tell the words she said nor the words i said... it would hurt too much.... all i can keep in mind now is that its ok.... I still have her to call my baby...

Even if the world is against her...she is the one i love....always have...always will... as long as she loves me.... Maybe that defines me as a good boyfriend...the fact that i know im trying....no matter if she feels that im inferior, as long as i know for a fact that i've in fact been giving my all... thats what matters...

Am i OK u ask? NO...im not....im lost....lost as ever...

i swear to god, tears ran down my cheeks with no end as i played the song counting stars by sugar cult in my head today.... the tune of the song itself just adds coal to the emotional fire i was feeling....if only i had the cd.... seriously worthy for an episode of one tree hill.... call me emo if u wish, but everyone needs a bit of drama...even if it brings u to tears.... its human nature... we feed of drama... its wht makes life interesting...

Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin
Apologize for all my sins
All the things I should have said to you
Hey, I can't make it go away
Over and over in my brain again
All the things I should have said to you
Counting stars wishing I was okay
Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to
Counting stars again
Hey, I'll take this day by day by day
Under the covers I'm okay I guess
Life's too short and i feel small

AM i OK? No..im still not ok...although i am trying to be...

Im gonna be honest...im wearing a facade now.... covering all these thoughts that i have running through my head.... thoughts i never wanted to have....thoughts i'd been afraid of having.... thoughts which i shouldnt be having....

I sometimes envy those with the freedom of being single.... but at the same time, cherish having someone to love..someone to hold.... someone that having freedom of being single wont let u have....

I cant believe im actually letting this all out.... whats more unbelievable is that im actually feeling better...
sigh..i've lost weight because of all this thinking...not good....as if i wasnt thin enough...

Am i OK? come to think of it.... i think i am... coz i have my baby back..im thinking a little clearer.... and i dont feel like killing myself anymore.... im just very extremely tired now

Im proud of who i am...and im proud of who u are...i hope ur proud of me too....

Im sorry for not being able to be the person you want me to be..... sorry for not being able to understand.... sorry for failing.... sorry for everything...

Dougie signing out...